Bipolar Disorder

I’ve mentioned bipolar disorder, but haven’t written about it. I’m ashamed, still, 20 years into my diagnosis, to admit I have bipolar disorder. Half the time, I’m denying it’s an issue, and convincing myself the medications aren’t working.

But they do. You see, each time I think I don’t need them, and stop them on my own, I almost always end up back in, in or out patient treatment, while being stabilized on my meds.

It’s an insidious disease. It tells me I don’t have a disorder. Just think about that for a moment.

I have an incredible support system surrounding me, thankfully. My husband has been on this merry go round with me for over two decades. My parents and sister live in the next town; as do my godmother aunt and her husband. All of them have stepped in and helped raise my child, when I needed help myself. Our village is huge and filled with love.

But bipolar. I hate and love this part of me. I love the highs: the creativeness, the expansiveness, the positivity, the energy, smiling. Inevitably, the high is followed by a crashing low: numbness, emotionally stunted, ambivalence, and negativity. And then there’s the mixed states, the most dangerous place for me to be: racing thoughts, nonstop anxiety, irritation, anger and insomnia. The meds are supposed to curb these wild shifts, but they don’t. They temper them. I still cycle, just not as high and low as I would without the meds.

And after twenty years of this, you’d think I’d understand that meds don’t cure everything. I wish they worked; and stopped these lows and mixed states. They hurt us.

See there’s really no place in my life for my own stuff right now. And of course, my depression is on the rise, because of this worldwide situation we are all in. I can’t be selfish like normal though. I mean, I can’t be swept up in the dark tide; I have to be strong for my son, who needs me more now than ever.

So this is my promise: I’m stronger than depression. I can do this. I know you can too. I’m going to wake up each day with fresh eyes, and just try to put the most positive foot forward I can. I know today won’t be perfect, I know I’m going to mess up. But for today, I’m not going to focus on what’s wrong, I’ll focus on what’s right.