I love my 8 year old son with all my heart. I would do ANYTHING for him! Our relationship is suffering so much for this grand social experiment- I can’t reach him. Can we take a year off? Can’t I quit? Remote learning is destroying his self esteem, our relationship, and really challenging my patience.
We have chosen to keep him home year round this year due to being a high risk family. Safety over sanity, I guess. We worry that the transition from one day in school, one day home, repeated all week will wreck any chance he has of learning. So we decided to keep him home. His developmental pediatrician, and the SPED department at the school understood, and are all doing their best to support us.
I have never had this much anxiety before in my life. And I was diagnosed with GAD as a kid. I’m 42 and worried about this level of stress, and what it’s doing to my body, and my son. I know he picks up on it, I know it triggers his anxiety in response. I do not know how to deescalate us both. I’ve spent years studying CBT and DBT. No coping skills are helping. Therapy helps some. Medications don’t fix situations.
So, we flail. Trying to meet expectations that are so out of reach… setting his little heart up for failure – if he saw the amount of work assigned daily. I don’t show him. I’ve made some massive adjustments in ways of learning. I don’t know if the school will be okay with them, and I don’t give a… He feels successful if I type his words for him. We do all math work on a whiteboard together. Science is his favorite.
We just got an IEP. But how will they deliver services remotely? Cases are increasing in our town, and the school is open for hybrid. Do we send him for services? Do we send him back to hybrid? Will he learn better there? It would be much less stress, and tension between us. But he’s as terrified of COVID as most of us masked people. Would he see it as freedom, or abandonment? How behind is he? How worse would his anxiety and depression be? Does he know I love him? Does he know my anxiety is from the expectations the school places upon us, and not from being with him? How would he do with the transitions? Who do I ask for help?
I’m lucky- I am disabled, so I’m able to be home and focused on his schooling and provide the constant 1:1 he needs. I count those blessings every day. I’m terrified that we are going to fall behind on work- and the school will report us to social services. (It happened to his dad). It’s a real fear – not that we’ve ever been in trouble, but one that is never far from my mind. And I know there are millions more families in much worse situations than us. And my heart goes out to each and every one of you.
Lest anyone think I’m holding the school, staff or his amazing teacher responsible for this – I’m not. Not at all. We are in one of the best schools in the state, and it’s public. They are phenomenal to work with. The IEP process: we worked together for the common educational goal of a free appropriate public education, for my son. There was no need for a lawyer or advocate. All of these women know our son closely, and have been helping him for years. To finally have earned him the IEP? Feels like we won the lottery. I treasure each and every soul at his school. And I know this is most likely more difficult for everyone who works there. I’m not losing site of this.
Each day is an absolute horror show. I’ve yet to figure out a way to alert my son that it’s time to start working, that doesn’t end in him throwing or breaking something. (See, transitions = low frustration tolerance with him). I’ve tried color coded schedules with alarms. I’ve tried rewards, positive reinforcement. I’ve talked assignments up, explaining “it’s a short day – we don’t have much work, you’ll breeze right through it!” I’ve taken whatever trinket gets tossed, and put it away until work is completed. I’ve tried restricting privileges until work is completed. I’ve tried many, many movement breaks. I’ve tried breaking the assignments up into more manageable chunks of time.
What seems to work best? Reviewing the day in front of us, so he knows what to expect. Giving him choices of which subject to start with. Breaking it up throughout the day, with plenty of adventures in between assignments. Keeping with the same routine and schedule. Using a whiteboard for math, typing for writing, and hopefully soon, speech to text software to really give him some independence. Reminding him that I’m his helper and advocate- and that I have nothing to do with the assigned work, other than my willingness to be his 1:1 aide.
The strain this is putting on my marriage can’t be overlooked. My husband works full time, but is always offering whatever support he can give, outside of work hours. To me, that’s not helpful. We have differing strategies for interacting with our son, when it comes to schooling, and that seems to be coming to the forefront. So, like most things I said: “Thanks, but no thanks. We will stick with our methods.”
It really stinks being a control freak, like me. However, we do have our routines ironed out – some such as, giving him gum when he has to sit and attend to a lesson. That was the occupational therapist’s suggestion at the school. She said the physical sensory input of the gum and jaw movement would help him attend, and sit. So gum it is. It does help.
God what I wouldn’t give to be going on a play date – my biggest concern which snack to pack to avoid an allergic reaction from anyone we are meeting. Or to be thinking about what to get for this weeks birthday child’s present. But instead, this is my reality.
My husband is getting laid off the day before Thanksgiving. I’m nervous because I know I’m going to have to swallow my pride in a few weeks, and go to the local food bank. Again, I’m so thankful for their service. I’m fearful though. This year there may not be enough food. Have you seen the lines in Texas?
I volunteered for a year at ours – and it was the most emotional few hours of my week. Many of the regular clients – I was their only social contact, all week. The love and kindness they expressed melted me. I don’t think we hear enough of the stories from the inside. We see the pictures and hear the statistics, but what about the people? What are their stories? Where are they now? I’m rambling.
I’m scared the impact this pandemic is having on EVERYTHING. Sorry to unleash my anxiety on you all. If you have followed me thus far, I thank you. Please know I send all my prayers and thoughts of comfort and health to all of you. I’m going to go count my blessings to keep myself in check.
Parenting Through the Pandemic 