Tag: parenting

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Small victories

Life is what you make of it, I’m constantly being reminded. 

Living in this new world, I’m finding it imperative to try my best at living in the present moment. 

My husband and I keep picking up the same conversation; needing to be sensitive when it comes to our son.He will be turning eight years old at the end of July, and has been hyper focusing on his birthday for over a month. It just occurred to me last week that his birthday may be one of the only concrete, positive things to look forward to. 

School has been cancelled for the year, play dates too. Camp is probably cancelled, the beaches are closed. Our “beach nana” from Canada, who comes and stays a week at a time, five times per summer, may not be down to visit, with the border being closed. Our favorite splash pad probably won’t be opening. 

Basically, we are facing a summer without the usual fun. The Fourth of July parades and fireworks have been cancelled across the state, as has our cities blessing of the fleet celebration. I’m not sure what we will do to fill the hours this year. I know we will figure it out.

Every spring, we plant a vegetable garden, with high hopes. My attention to watering wanes towards the end of July, and the poor plants don’t do well. Perhaps this year we will have the time and energy to really care for it. I have a strong helper now, curious and incredibly knowledgeable about gardening. I’ve taught him everything I know about gardening, and he has retained it. These are the lessons I think are most important, and will be a useful skill throughout his life. 

I am planning to teach him how to cook this summer as well. We come from a big family of foodies; my father is a professionally trained chef, and his 91 year old mother is still cooking and baking for the family visits. I grew up in a restaurant kitchen, and feel most at home behind a stove. I hope to pass this along to my son. He already impresses us by his varied palate, and choices he makes. (baked Haddock instead of the kids chicken nuggets). Tonight I plan to have him help me make New England Baked Haddock with a cracker crumb topping. Earlier in the week, we made a banana cake with a cream cheese frosting that was a hit with everyone who tried it – including his grandparents. 

I’m learning as I go along. Right now I’m reading “Super-parenting for ADD” by Edward M. Hallowell M. D. and Peter S. Jensen M.D.. They emphasize three important goals for parents of ADD/ADHD: 

Unconditional love: tune out the diagnosticians and simply nourish the spirit of your child for who he is 

Viewing the mirror traits: recognize the positive sides of the negative symptoms associated with ADD: stubbornness= persistence; impulsiveness= creativity; intrusiveness = eagerness. 

The cycle of excellence: nurture an environment in which a child can safely take risks, reserve time to let a child dabble as a way to learn, encourage playful practice, support mastery of a skill, and then recognize a child’s accomplishments. 

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Bipolar Disorder

I’ve mentioned bipolar disorder, but haven’t written about it. I’m ashamed, still, 20 years into my diagnosis, to admit I have bipolar disorder. Half the time, I’m denying it’s an issue, and convincing myself the medications aren’t working.

But they do. You see, each time I think I don’t need them, and stop them on my own, I almost always end up back in, in or out patient treatment, while being stabilized on my meds.

It’s an insidious disease. It tells me I don’t have a disorder. Just think about that for a moment.

I have an incredible support system surrounding me, thankfully. My husband has been on this merry go round with me for over two decades. My parents and sister live in the next town; as do my godmother aunt and her husband. All of them have stepped in and helped raise my child, when I needed help myself. Our village is huge and filled with love.

But bipolar. I hate and love this part of me. I love the highs: the creativeness, the expansiveness, the positivity, the energy, smiling. Inevitably, the high is followed by a crashing low: numbness, emotionally stunted, ambivalence, and negativity. And then there’s the mixed states, the most dangerous place for me to be: racing thoughts, nonstop anxiety, irritation, anger and insomnia. The meds are supposed to curb these wild shifts, but they don’t. They temper them. I still cycle, just not as high and low as I would without the meds.

And after twenty years of this, you’d think I’d understand that meds don’t cure everything. I wish they worked; and stopped these lows and mixed states. They hurt us.

See there’s really no place in my life for my own stuff right now. And of course, my depression is on the rise, because of this worldwide situation we are all in. I can’t be selfish like normal though. I mean, I can’t be swept up in the dark tide; I have to be strong for my son, who needs me more now than ever.

So this is my promise: I’m stronger than depression. I can do this. I know you can too. I’m going to wake up each day with fresh eyes, and just try to put the most positive foot forward I can. I know today won’t be perfect, I know I’m going to mess up. But for today, I’m not going to focus on what’s wrong, I’ll focus on what’s right.

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School Refusal

When I became a mother, I was warned that my heart now would live outside my body; in my child.

It’s true, my heart fills with his successes, and breaks with each failure (and right now, he’s seeing so much failure in his life with schooling – and my hands are tied). I’ve followed the protocols- reaching out to his teachers often, updating them weekly on his refusal to remote learn. We have tried numerous creative solutions, with no positive results.

I DON’T BLAME HIM. Not one bit. This is more than should be expected of any second grader; especially one with learning disabilities.

Yesterday we made it to the Zoom meeting, and that’s it. I couldn’t bring myself to even attempt to try to get him to work on his assignments. Not after hearing him tell me all day Monday “I’m so stupid,” on repeat.

See, this whole remote learning has shredded his self esteem. He witnesses his classmates attending to Zoom, in a way he can’t. He is so bright – his teachers and developmental pediatrician both remind us of this whenever we meet; and it’s blatant when conversing with him. His vocabulary is stronger than most adults I know, and it amazes me, daily. Yesterday, he was able to get us back on track while on a hike – without a map or compass. His sense of direction was in tune, better than my GPS. He creatively solves problems for me, all the time.

I am so proud of my little boy. But it’s breaking my heart to see what these insurmountable demands from the school are doing to him, mentally. I feel backed into a corner. My mama bear instincts want to call it all off – but I’m sure that would invite repercussions into our home.

He is a wiggly one, always on the go. At five he articulated to me: “Mama, sometimes my brain says stop but my body keeps going. What do I do?”

We’ve learned to work around these issues. We hike, deep into the woods, many times per week. Nature grounds our home – and burning off energy makes schoolwork easier. We don’t follow any specific diets, but do try to eat more of a whole food approach. We don’t have a TV, and that definitely helps. I know a strict schedule and routine is helpful, but we generally aim to do things around the same time each day.

I try, in my own way, to use life as teaching moments. Like baking a cake, or keeping a nature journal, or tracking our vegetable garden, daily, in our journal. He’s learning so much, elsewhere, and reads on his own now. Doesn’t this count?

I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I guess it’s just to admit defeat, letting the world know I’m at the epicenter of parental failure. I want nothing more than to protect this little soul – hold him close and not let any of this hurt who he is as a person; but know that goes against what is expected of me, as a pandemic parent, and now part time teacher.

Yesterday, an article from http://www.understood.org showed up in my email. It was perfectly timed.

School Refusal: What It Means When Kids Won’t Do Schoolwork

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‘It Was Just Too Much’: How Remote Learning Is Breaking Parents

www.nytimes.com/2020/04/27/nyregion/coronavirus-homeschooling-parents.html

I love my son with all my heart, and we both love learning and sharing what we learn. We also lucked out this year and have an amazing duo of dedicated teachers for his second grade class. They have been so on top of making remote learning fun and exciting each day.

However, I know I’m not alone when I say it’s getting to be next to impossible for he and I to remote learn these days. The schedule is supposed to be 9-11:10, four days per week. We still have yet to finish Monday’s work, and it’s Thursday.

I made the executive decision yesterday to take a day off for both of our mental health; and we spent the day outside exploring instead. We connected, and had a wonderful day – all three of us.

My appreciation for all teachers, especially his, has grown exponentially over the past six weeks. I can’t imagine where teachers find such patience. How they are able to teach my child’s class via Zoom, while also teaching their own children.

This article is so well written. Please read if you have a chance.

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And so here we are…

Seven weeks into the stay at home order in our state, is where I begin our story. Corona virus has turned our world upside down, as it has for everyone else on our planet.

Where to begin… my son is a sweet, sensitive and loving soul. He is incredibly intelligent, and loves learning. However, he has learning disabilities which often get in the way of his schooling, and life skills. As a family, we’ve sought out professional evaluations through our children’s hospital, and his school. Unfortunately, we were unable to secure an IEP for him, and instead he has a 504 education plan. When school is in session, the accommodations do help facilitate learning for him, but at home, with remote learning, I’m unable to provide what he needs.

See, I’m not a teacher. I’m a mom, a wife, a sister, daughter, friend. My background is in office administration. Need a spreadsheet? I’m your woman. I’ve stepped up to the plate though. Or at least tried to.

See, we are in week seven of mandatory remote learning. We have been incredibly lucky. Our district was the first to have remote learning set up; and they have each day split up into four distinct subjects, with activities to keep the children entertained and interested. The first five weeks went better than I’d expected- he was excited to Zoom to school daily, and see all of his friends and teachers.

Something changed two weeks ago. This boy doesn’t want to see anyone anymore. He wants nothing to do with his school work. No amount of bribery, losing of privileges or creative scheduling helps. Positive and negative parenting attempts have failed. We still have six weeks left and I fear the consequences of his refusal to cooperate.

I’m embarrassed to admit defeat. I’m at a point where I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m failing my child, and my family. This is not a place I want to live from.

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The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me! 

Welcome to my blog. I hope to share a small slice of life through the eyes of my family. 

My husband, son and I live on the coast of New England. We take advantage of the fresh air and nature outside our doorstep. Since our son was an infant, we’ve been exploring all there is to see outside. 

Our home is full with love and blessings. 

My son and I are both differently abled, and we embrace it, fully. He has severe ADHD, and I’m dealing most days with the gray cloud of depression, born from my bipolar 2 diagnosis. We don’t let either get in our way – hikes in nature, planting a garden and getting our hands dirty, or settling our feet in the sand at the beach – all ground us. We are both at our best outdoors.

I’m hoping to learn more about life, parenting, and our diagnoses through others tales on WordPress. I also hope to shed a ray of sunshine on our home and life, through pictures, essays and pertinent articles. 

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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